


After The Wedding

by Mathemagician37



Series: Walking by a Wedding [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: And the mysterious person that is married to Kara, F/F, I am bad at tagging so don't hold anything against me, I'll refrain from making an inappropriate pun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2018-12-21 13:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11945427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mathemagician37/pseuds/Mathemagician37
Summary: After Alex walked away from Astra at Kara's wedding, things feel unresolved. Until Alex runs into Astra again.(Sequel to 'The Wedding'.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, welcome back to those who were also there for the first fic. And thanks for still keeping up with this angsty stuff. I hope this fic will make up a bit for that sad ending!
> 
> Also special thanks to my friend whoeverdares for being a good influence on my motivation :) Without her this fic wouldn't have been here, probably. You're an awesome human being! :)
> 
> Anyway, have fun!

Two weeks later, Kara returned from her honeymoon. Alex was at the airport to pick her and her partner up from spending two weeks in Argentina. When they got into the car, they were both giddy and happy, and it conjured a smile upon Alex’s face. Kara hugged her from behind, and kissed her on her cheek. “Hey sis!” She yelled in her ear as she leaned back.

If Alex didn’t know any better, she would think that they were both drunk, because they started singing ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’ dramatically. With somewhat altered lyrics, if Alex weren’t mistaken. She grinned broadly as she put the car in ‘drive’.

It was already late in the evening when she pulled up at Kara’s house, and so she only helped them get their luggage inside of the house. Kara hugged her again when Alex turned to leave. “Alex, I’m throwing a dinner party tomorrow. You coming at five?”

“You know I can’t say no to that.” Alex grinned. She had missed her sister.

And so the next day she went to Kara’s house again, noticing that there was another car in the driveway that wasn’t Kara’s. So she frowned, but pulled the key out of the ignition, figuring out that the only way to find out whose car it was, was just the obvious one: getting out of the car and inside to check.

And so she did. And when she rang the doorbell, it was Astra who opened the door.

Alex had to restrain herself from her jaw dropping open in surprise. It had been exactly two weeks since she had walked away from the woman, thinking she wouldn’t see her again. At least not so soon. The woman had been the subject of her thought trains on more than one occasion, however, and the reason for some of the sleepless nights she had enjoyed.

“Good afternoon, Alex.” Astra said with a warm smile. It was a genuine smile. Something that Alex considered to be odd, especially because their last moments weren’t exactly that nice. Alex had basically rejected all attempts Astra had done to make things right. Even though she didn’t exactly have to. She didn’t really owe Alex anything. Technically. But Alex couldn’t help but feel that there was something between the two of them that needed fixing. And apparently Astra felt the same.

“Hi.” Alex tried to remain civil, but the next words slipped out of her mouth before she could be too annoyed. “What are you doing here?” She asked while squeezing her eyes in suspicion. She knew that – obviously – Kara had invited her for the dinner party. It didn’t take her mad detective skills to figure that out.

“Kara invited me to come. I wasn’t aware that you were attending as well.” She simply explained, opening the door in order to let Alex through. But she barely moved as Alex pushed herself inside. Their bodies brushed together as she entered the small hallway that divided the kitchen and living room from the other rooms.

Alex clenched her jaw, but eased almost instantly at the way Astra looked at Alex. Almost apologetically. And in that moment Alex realized she was probably being too hard on Astra. And that she was only going to have a hard time herself by giving her the cold shoulder. And she didn’t really deserve it anyway.

Alex sighed. “Look..” She bit her lower lip, her eyes dropping to the floor, as if the words she was looking for were carved out in the hardwood.

But before she could open her mouth again, Astra reached out to her, placing her hand on Alex’s arm. “Alex.” She said, her eyes focusing on Alex’s, who was then forced to look up, her gaze meeting Astra’s. She felt something odd inside the pit of her stomach, and there was a very heavy feeling in her chest. And for a moment there she forgot to breathe. “You don’t owe me any words of explanation. We do not have to talk about it right now. What happened two weeks ago. We can both put it aside for today.. for your sister.. for my niece.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second half of the first chapter (it's tiny). Thanks for reading! :)

Alex’s attention was divided between the words Astra was saying, and the hand that was still on her arm. There was something soothing about the touch. Something that made her feel like she could actually do that. Put things aside for Kara. Even if it were just for the evening. But there was also a part of her that wanted to walk away. To turn around and walk out the door right in that moment. Because there was something discomforting about the situation. Something unfamiliar and out of sorts for her.

Alex wasn’t sure how to get past the things she had said the last time they had seen each other. The things Astra had said. What she had done. And what it all meant. They had so little history together, but there was also this sensation that there was actually a lot of history between one another. And she wasn’t sure how to deal with that. But eventually she sighed. “Okay.” She shook her head, closing her eyes. “Okay, we’ll put it aside. For now.”

Astra drew back her hand. For a brief second, Alex thought Astra was going to reach out to her again, but it was over in an instant, and instead, Astra gestured in the direction of the kitchen. “I suppose we should join them soon.” She said with a smile. The smile was a bit more strained now, but before Alex could analyze it any more, the tension in Astra’s face was gone. And she turned around and walked to the door that led to the kitchen. Her shoulders weren’t as squared as they usually were, her posture not as dignified either. And Alex realized that her behavior was really rubbing off on Astra.

“Astra.” She interjected before Astra could open the door. And so Astra paused, with her hand resting on the doorknob, but she didn’t turn around to face her. “I’m sorry about how I left things the last time.. We’ll talk about it. Later.”

“Thank you.” Astra replied, casting a glance over her shoulder. She smiled weakly, but there was a sadness in her eyes that Alex only got to see for a tiny moment. So small that she almost thought she had imagined it. But when they both took place at the dinner table, and Astra looked at her lap when she placed a napkin on her leather pants, she saw it again. It was hidden behind a smile, but Alex could see it in her eyes. And just then, Alex felt bad for the woman.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bigger tiny update this time.. :) I hope you'll enjoy the angst. :D

Kara’s happiness seemed to infect everyone at the dinner table. And there was food. Food was always good. And there was wine. Which was even better for Alex. She forced herself not to drink too much though, because she didn’t trust herself all that much around Astra with too much alcohol in her blood to cloud her decisions. The last thing she needed was something to take away any restraints she still had.

Around nine that night, Kara and her spouse put on music and started dancing, leaving Astra and Alex alone at the table. Alex didn’t feel much for joining the two, so it left her awkwardly fiddling with her glass.

Astra just stared intently at her, not saying a word. She tilted her head a bit, her eyes set on Alex’s.

Alex didn’t know how to respond to that. There was something about the gaze.. but she wasn’t sure what it was. And so Alex bit her lip again, sitting up and leaning forward.

“You confuse me.” She blurted out, and instantly regretted it. She poured herself another glass of wine, knowing that her entire intention not to lose control of herself had just gone out the window. She downed half of it at once.

Astra’s interest was piqued, because she leaned forward as well, but she didn’t say a word.

“I don’t know how to act around you.” Alex shook her head. “You’re just..” She sighed. “I don’t know.”

“You knew how to act around me before you realized I abandoned your sister.” Astra said.

“Yeah.” Alex replied. “Yeah. No.” She uttered. “I know that. I just.. I know it’s not a big deal for Kara anymore.. I know she forgave you. And you were just.. so young yourself.” Alex paused, trying to find the right words. “I know, rationally, that you couldn’t have done it.. couldn’t have been there for her.. and it’s ridiculous because if it weren’t for you leaving, she wouldn’t have been my sister.. I am not.. mad at you for that. It’s just an excuse.”

When Alex didn’t resume talking, Astra asked: “Excuse for what?”

Alex shrugged. “I don’t know.. I just..” She shook her head again. “I just want to say that I’m sorry for treating you like I did. It wasn’t about Kara.. at least not entirely.. and I should have been more upfront about it.”

Astra’s hand reached out to Alex, but before she could touch Alex’s, she let her hand rest on the table. “You’re forgiven. I understood why you said the things you said.” Astra offered. “You are afraid that I might fall back on old habits.. if you allow me to know you better..”

Alex’s gaze darted around the room, then finally landed on Astra’s. Because she was hitting the nail on its head. She didn’t have many friends. She shared a few friends with Kara, and had a few coworkers she got along with just fine, but aside of Kara, she never really confided in anyone. Sure, any friendship she could have with Astra could just be as superficial, but there was something about the woman that made Alex doubt about that.

“I do not have any intentions to leave.” Astra resumed. “I mean to mend my relationship with my niece, and I have promised her I would remain here to do that. We do not have to pursue any kind of kinship, but..” She seemed to be weighing her next words, choosing them carefully. “I thought we shared a connection.. At the wedding, two weeks ago.” She specified.

“We have a family member in common.” Alex said, but she realized Astra was talking about something else. There was a warmth spreading through her body, and she felt a bit like she was choking, her breaths becoming more laborious. Because Astra was talking about something that Alex had felt too.

“I think we have much more in common than Kara.” Astra said bluntly. She wasn’t going to dance around it, Alex could tell. She knew that Astra was only playing it as careful as she did because she didn’t want to chase Alex away like the previous time. And yet, Alex felt like walking away. “If my leaving you alone is what you desire, then I will accommodate to that wish. But if you allow me, I’d like to spend the day with you some time.”

Alex’s lip was bleeding by then. She was worrying too much about all of it. And there was a part of her that felt compelled to take up on Astra’s offer. There was something about the mystery of it that drew her. And perhaps it was also the booze weighing into the equation.

“Fine. But it’ll have to be during the weekend, because I have a job and I’m not gonna take the day off for a.. whatever this is.” Alex grumbled. She silently damned herself for letting herself be talked into the entire ordeal, and almost instantly regretted saying yes to Astra’s ridiculously vague proposal. But she wanted to see it through. And in the worst case, she could just leave.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tiny chapter again.. but it's late so it'll have to do :D

Astra’s lips curled into what somewhat resembled a smile. Alex couldn’t exactly tell what she was thinking. Whether she was happy with her progress or not. Whether she regretted it as much as Alex did. Whether she thought Alex was only indulging her. Probably. Because Alex was almost positive that it showed, as well as the use of the word ‘fine’ in her agreement.

It somewhat annoyed her that she couldn’t read Astra like she could read other people. But it also happened to be one of the things that made the woman all the more mysterious to her. And she had the strange desire to demystify all of it.

Alex downed the rest of her wine, feeling a little bit fuzzy in her head. She had no interest in spending the night on the couch, and quite frankly, she wanted to leave the dinner party. But she also knew that she was way too tipsy to drive.

It was as if Astra knew what was playing out in Alex’s head, because the moment that Alex had decided she would call an Uber, she intercepted: “I can bring you home.”

Alex knew that Astra had only had water through the entire night, so it was true that she could, but Alex wasn’t sure whether she wanted to spend more time with her than necessary. On the other hand, it was a much easier solution than either staying or arranging another way to go home. So before she could contemplate it any longer, she had already barfed out a full-mouthed ‘yes’.

She stood up from the chair she was sitting on, having to find her balance for a moment. Astra mirrored her, but was a lot steadier on her feet. She walked to the other room, in which the newlyweds had disappeared half an hour prior. “Little one.” She announced with a smile, Kara sort of twisting out of the arms of her dance partner, into Astra’s. She wrapped her arms around her arms and planted a kiss on her cheek.

“You leaving?” Kara asked.

“Yes.” Astra replied. “Alex has work tomorrow and I don’t consider it a wise idea to let her drive.”

Kara nodded, letting go of her aunt. “Well, I’ll see you later this week, then?” She turned to Alex, who walked up to her to say goodbye as well. They hugged. Tightly.

“Yeah, movie night as usual. Goodnight, sis.” Alex said softly in her ear, as not to hurt her hearing. “Thanks for dinner.”

“No problem. Goodnight!” Kara was chipper, but Alex couldn’t blame her for that. She had a lot to be happy about. She had the life she deserved.

With a weird feeling in her chest, Alex followed Astra to her car. She took place in the passenger’s seat, making herself comfortable.

She closed her eyes as Astra readied herself, finally putting the key in the ignition. There was this feeling of peacefulness Alex felt whenever she was in the car at night, with only the faint light of the lampposts outside. The car was humming, and there was the comfortable warmth of the car’s heater that kept her nice and cozy.

Astra didn’t say a word. Neither did Alex. She didn’t really feel like talking anyway.

At some point she must have drifted off, because after what felt like a minute, she felt Astra’s hand on her shoulder. “This is your stop.” She said, looking amused at the situation. Alex was a bit embarrassed that she had let herself fall asleep like that, which was such an inherently vulnerable action. She knew that it conveyed a lot more than she wanted Astra to know about her.

“Thanks.” She muttered, climbing out of the car with a little less ease that she would like. “And I guess I’ll see you next week?”

“Saturday, nine in the morning?” Astra  inquired. “I will escort you from your apartment.”

“Well, Saturday it is.” Alex agreed reluctantly. “Anything you want me to know before that?”

“Merely that you should wear casual, comfortable clothes.” Astra said with a definite tone. “But I will leave that up to you.”

“Alright.” Alex bobbed her head. “That’s a done deal then. I’m glad I get to determine something..” She finished somewhat sarcastically as she spun on her heels and walked to her apartment building.

Astra watched her walk away, uttering a soft ‘Goodnight’ before getting back into her car and driving away.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exactly 1k. Have fun! :)

The week passed by faster than Alex had suspected. It felt like she only had blinked a few times, and then opened her eyes and found herself in her bed at Saturday, six in the morning. She hadn’t slept very well that week, Astra residing in her mind like she permanently lived there. She was starting to worry about her own infatuation. Though she knew it wasn’t just that. She had conflicting thoughts regarding the woman, and she was trying to sort them out.

Normally she wouldn’t have thought about it twice. She would have just walked away. But there was something about Astra that kept pulling her in. Kept pulling her closer. Astra had piqued a curiosity in Alex that she hadn’t ever experienced with any other person. And that made Astra special somehow. But also especially annoying. Because Alex didn’t really understand anything of it. But it felt somehow refreshing and new and something she wanted to explore.

She felt like she was doing this demonical tango with Astra, which could never end well for her. But she wanted to dance nonetheless. Because the rhythm of the music that was playing in the background was just too good. It was too infectious, and she couldn’t resist the tapping of her own feet to it.

And so she gave in. She performed her usual morning routine, and then got dressed.

Which was not as easy as Astra had insinuated.

She had no idea what Astra was planning to do for the day. She also had no idea what she was going to wear. The only thing she was sure of was the fact that she was nervous. But it was the good kind of nervous that came from doing exhilarating things.

She wondered whether she would have agreed to spend the day with Astra if it had been any different though. But she tried to push away that thought, because she thought she would get into a new thought spiral again if she let herself dwell on it too much.

Five minutes before Astra would show up, she was ready. She hadn’t had breakfast yet, though. And no coffee either. Which didn’t bode well for Alex. Or Astra for that matter. Alex needed her caffeinated drink.

But when she heard a knock on the door at exactly nine, and she opened the door, Astra was standing there, holding up a coffee to go.

“Well, good morning to you too.” Alex said in pleasant surprise. “Is it black?”

“Good morning.” Astra smiled, waiting for Alex to gesture that it was okay to come in. She then handed her the coffee, and answered the question: “Yes, extra strong. Kara informed me about your coffee preferences.”

“She knows about our..” Alex frowned, not knowing what to call it. “Day?” She felt a bit lame, because she was not very far from the word that she was actually meaning to say. And she knew that her face was getting red. But if Astra noticed, she didn’t show.

“No. But like you, I am very apt at obtaining information while obfuscating my intentions.” Astra said, her eyes roaming Alex’s place.

“Well, thanks. I could use some caffeine.” Alex smiled as she took a careful sip. The temperature and taste were perfect. She hummed in satisfaction as she closed her eyes and took another sip. When she opened her eyes again, Astra greeted her with an impressive smirk. “What?” She asked dumbfoundedly.

“As I said before.. I like to be the cause of your pleasure.” She replied suggestively. “And I keep my promises. I told you I would treat you with coffee.”

“Yeah.” A smile was pulling at Alex’s lips. “You’re a woman of your word.”

Astra took a few steps in Alex’s direction, stepping in her personal space. “Definitely.” She said lowly, leaning closer. “You don’t have the slightest idea how much that sentiment is true.”

She walked further into Alex’s apartment, taking in the furniture and ornaments. “I like your residence.”

“Thanks.” Alex nodded, taking another sip. She was only slightly contemplating the words Astra had just murmured into her ear, but took pride in the fact that she wasn’t really fazed by it. She was building a resistance against Astra’s innuendo, which she very much needed. “Now.. Are you gonna tell me where we’re going?”

“No.” Astra said curtly. She joined Alex and instead of inspecting Alex’s place, she started inspecting Alex herself. She was in the middle of titling her head a bit to the side, her eyes focused somewhere below her belt.

“What.. are you doing.” Alex grumbled. She knew damn well that Astra was.. checking her out?

“Determining whether my plans fit your outfit.” Astra replied with a shrug.

“And?” Alex frowned in confusion, but also in utter disbelief. For the third time in her life she was amazed that a person such as Astra actually existed. The first time they had met she had already known what was being confirmed every other time they had seen each other. And that was that Astra was by far the strangest person she had ever met.

Which was saying something, as she had to deal with her fair share of weirdos at the DEA. Pot heads and crack addicts were not exactly the epitome of human normalcy. But Astra topped all of it.

Now, she could imagine that Astra was just answering her questions differently to get a rise out of her. Or to get the reaction she was getting. The woman had a penchant for leaving people flabbergasted at the way she acted.

Although she was thinking that maybe that was exaggerated. Perhaps it was just Alex who was focusing too much on Astra’s words and actions. And she just thought it was weird because it didn’t match her expectations.

“It will do.” Astra concluded, her eyes meeting Alex’s again. They were twinkling with an amusement that she had last witnessed at the beginning of the night at Kara’s wedding.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very tiny update again. Have fun!

And so the corners of Alex’s lips twitched, then curled up in a smile. She shook her head. “Well, I’m ready.. are we going?”

“Yes.” Astra nodded, and turned around to the front door, taking a few steps with Alex hot on her heels. Then she decided she had forgotten something, and turned around again, causing Alex to crash into her.

Alex bounced back awkwardly, and when she looked at Astra’s face, she was greeted with an enormous smirk. Again.

“Apologies.” She said, while she didn’t really appear to be sorry at all. “I was reminded of something, but.. sometimes a thought crosses your mind and you realize that you have already thought of it before..”

“Eh.” Alex’s eyebrows raised so far up her head that, if she had been a comic book character, she would have had to worry that they would get stuck in her hair. “What?”

“Nothing important.” Astra dismissed the question. “I thought of a minor obstacle but as soon as I turned to bring it up, I remembered I had already solved the problem.”

Alex blinked a few times, then decided that she didn’t want to know what was going on in Astra’s head. So she just sort of acknowledged it, but attempted to spur Astra onto leaving by staring intensely at her with enough exasperation to convey how much she wanted to go but not too much as to convey excessive annoyance at the situation. When she didn’t take the hint, she also added an “Okay?” to the equation.

And that seemed to help to some extent, because Astra moved.

But instead she moved in Alex’s direction. Which was in itself an impressive action, because there was very little space left between them. Astra’s hand moved up to the collar of Alex’s leather jacket, folding back the lapel in the right place. Alex had shrugged herself into it carelessly an ample two minutes prior to Astra’s arrival, and she hadn’t thought about remodeling herself after that.

She also sort of liked that she hadn’t done so, because now it didn’t look like Alex was trying so hard to appease Astra. Or maybe impress her. No, this was just casual. Very casual. Extremely casual. Just two people who were spending the day together. Casually.

Alex sighed. What the hell had she gotten herself into.

“Let’s go.” Alex said. “Whereto?”

“To the train station.” Astra replied. “We could take the car, but I think it would subtract from the.. pleasure?”

“Have you ever traveled through public transport?” Alex raised her eyebrows in incredulity.

“Yes. Many times. In different parts of the world.” Astra nodded. “I appreciate the duplicity of it.”

“What?” Alex frowned.

“Well..” Astra started. “On the one hand, public transport takes away your control. You’re not in charge of the vehicle, can’t interfere at any point. If it derails or crashes, there is nothing you can do to change its course.”

“This is so soothing.” Alex deadpanned, shaking her head and folding her arms in front of her chest. Astra just smiled.

“But on the other hand, there’s also a certain freedom that you enjoy that you don’t have while driving a car.” Astra finished. The answer was not what Alex had expected. But it made sense somehow. You could do whatever you wanted, focus on anything you wanted. You could read or listen to music. Or talk to someone else. There was also a lot you couldn’t do, however. And Alex liked to be in control. But she figured that was just one of the advantages that Astra was considering.

“Alright. Well, let’s enjoy that freedom then.” Alex decided. It had been fifteen minutes since Astra had barged into her apartment, and they still hadn’t done much else besides drinking coffee and having a weird discussion about public transport.

Astra smirked at Alex as she turned (this time without turning around again) to the door.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly longer update today. Also special shoutout to Bas and Kendrickhier, for always commenting on this fic and therefore cheering me up :) I hope I can do the same for you right now. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy! Not sure how long I'm gonna keep up with this fic, so already apologies in advance if nothing else is coming, and thanks for reading <3 Have a nice weekend (or week, depending on whenever you read this)!

Five minutes later, they were standing at the bus stop. It was still quite chilly outside, and Alex damned herself that she hadn’t put on warmer clothes, despite the fact that she probably would have regretted that later the day. So she just bounced from one leg to the other, keeping herself moving, which seemed to make somewhat of a difference.

“How far is it?” Alex asked. She really tried not to sound too impatient.

“About an hour. Give or take fifteen minutes.” Astra answered, but contrary to Alex, she did sound patient. She looked with amusement at Alex, not seeming to be so cold herself. “I could warm you up, if you wish.” Astra offered with a smirk.

“What if I say yes?” Alex dared. She suspected that Astra was more bark than bite.

“Then we can bargain about the means.”

“You have more than one way to warm me up?” Alex tilted her head, forgetting to jump up and down.

“Certainly. I am very resourceful.” Astra smirked again.

Alex just nodded. Slowly. As if trying to convey that she wasn’t impressed. Which she wasn’t. Of course there were tons of ways to warm up a human being. Like throwing them into a volcano. Or something.

“So which one will it be?” Astra inquired, her eyes peering suggestively into Alex’s eyes.

“None. I’m fine, and the bus is coming in a couple of minutes anyway.” Which was not a lie. She was less cold than before. Somehow Astra had that effect on her without even trying. No means necessary. Well, no special ones, at least.

Before Astra could respond to that, the bus arrived.

Astra went in before Alex, and made sure that before Alex could even offer to pay for her own ticket, Astra did. “This day is my treat.” She said over her shoulder.

Alex shook her head disapprovingly, but muttered a “thank you” in Astra’s ear when they walked further into the bus, finding a nice spot in the back, further away from the other two passengers. Astra waited for Alex to sit down at the window side, and then took place next to her. They were sitting shoulder to shoulder, their legs propped up against one another, and Alex wondered whether that was Astra’s entire goal of traveling by public transport.

“It’s not your favorite thing, is it? Handing over the reins to someone else?” Astra asked.

“No.” Alex admitted. “Not at all.”

Astra put her hand on Alex’s leg, squeezing lightly. “If it soothes you..” Astra offered, talking slowly, at a volume that Alex was sure she could only hear. Between that and Astra’s hand on her leg, Alex was getting very distracted, not knowing what to focus on. “We will visit a place you will like. I will not tell you where, yet.. but it means something to me, and I want to share it with you for that same reason.”

Alex’s eyes settled on Astra’s, and she could tell that the woman was seriously about it.

“If, at any time, any place, you desire to leave, I will bring you home. If you wish to go without me, then I will respect your choices as well. And I will pay the expenses.” Astra added. She started drawing circles across Alex’s leg with her thumb, but when Alex looked down at Astra’s hand, she stopped, but kept her hand in place.

“Okay.” Alex replied then, smiling lightly. “I appreciate that.”

Astra then drew back her hand, slowly, as she sat up a bit straighter to push the ‘stop’ button, indicating that they were getting off the bus soon.

“Almost there?” Alex questioned. It was quite obvious, actually, but she knew they’d have about fifty minutes of traveling left, and she wanted to know as much about the final destination as she could get out of Astra.

She thought of a few ways that she would use on the job. Ways to get real intel out of people. But even if she would use any of them on Astra, she was sure the woman would be able to resist it anyway. She knew that Astra had served three tours back in the day. She didn’t actually know her rank or where she had served, but she did have a hunch that the woman was very tough and not to be messed with.

There was something about the way Astra moved that radiated it. Like she owned the room and everything around her. Like she could easily put them on the floor at her mercy with the flick of her wrist.

“We have to change buses, yes.” Astra said as she stood up. She extended her hand to Alex as an invitation to help her up, which Alex took. When the bus came to a halt, and the doors opened, they said thanks to the bus driver and got out of the bus.

“Where to now?” Alex asked. She felt a bit like a child. Not only for asking, but also because she felt so helpless in this journey. Apparently Astra noticed that there was some uncertainty in the way Alex behaved, because she didn’t let go of Alex’s hand when they walked towards the bench at the bus stop.

“The next one should be here in a minute or two.” Astra said, smiling reassuringly. And as if on cue, the bus arrived.

And they did the same thing as before, with the only difference being Astra’s hand still holding hers. Alex was intrigued by it. Her eyes kept drifting down at their hands and she marveled at how much she actually seemed to like it. Or maybe more like not mind it.

She was so distracted, however, that she barely noticed that Astra was paying for the both of them again. And before she could protest, Astra dragged her to the back of the bus. It was a bit more crowded than in the previous bus, but still not so crowded that they couldn’t sit together.

Within seconds, Alex found herself squeezed in between Astra and the bus window.

She was suspecting Astra of doing it on purpose, more so by the minute. But she wasn’t going to call her out. She did sigh, earning a look from Astra.

“What is wrong?” Astra asked, tilting her head, looking calculatingly at Alex.

“Nothing. Just eh..” Alex bit her cheek. “Nervous, I guess.”

Astra didn’t say anything to that. No unnecessary remarks that wouldn’t reassure her anyway. Instead, Astra’s hand rested on Alex’s leg, causing Alex’s chest to fill with warmth.

They just sat in silence for a couple of minutes, until Alex broke the silence.

“This place we’re going to.. Why do you want to share it with me?” Alex frowned. “You barely know me.”

“You will see.” Astra replied, looking wistfully down at her knees.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Accidentally put up the wrong chapter last night. This is the real one. :p Double checked. Next chapter you'll find out where they're going. Enjoy!

It was Alex’s turn now to extend her hand and put it on Astra’s leg. “Well, whatever it is, I hope you’re not taking me somewhere to kill me.”

Astra grinned. “Perhaps another time.”

“That’s comforting.” Alex smiled weakly. “If it weren’t for the fact that I knew that you were in the army, I’d say ‘try me’, but I think you actually have a fair chance at succeeding.”

Astra pushed the ‘stop’ button, before answering: “I could take you out for a training session sometime.”

“Already making plans for another day?” Alex questioned as she tried to suppress a smile. “Aren’t you a bit confident of yourself that after today I’m still gonna want to spend time around you?”

“No.” Astra shrugged. “However, you are here next to me. Against all odds. I would consider that a good indication.”

Alex shook her head, the bus decreasing speed and coming to a halt. She looked outside and saw that they were at the train station. Which made sense because they hadn’t been traveling for more than twenty minutes, and Astra had said that it would take at least an hour or so to arrive at their destination. Wherever the hell that would be.

Astra got onto her feet, and stepped out of the bus with Alex hot on her heels.

“May I offer you a coffee?” Astra asked as she walked in the direction of the small coffee truck that was situation in front of the train station, Alex catching up with her quickly.

“Sure, if I can pay this time.” Alex countered, reaching for her wallet.

Astra glanced sideways at Alex, squeezing her eyes together as if she were thwarting her plans. “Why do you insist on wanting to pay?” Astra questioned as she joined the queue. She turned to Alex, tilting her head as if she were trying to read Alex again.

“I can ask the same question.”

“You know my answer. What is yours?”

Alex sighed, folding her arms in front of her chest as she shook her head. “I don’t like it when people pay for my things.” She frowned. “It makes me feel like I owe them something.”

“You do not owe me anything.” Astra simply said. “I ask for nothing in return. And I will never do so. I promise.”

Alex exhaled. “Fine.” She worried at her lip. “But I don’t understand why you’re doing this.”

“In life, you hardly get to understand other people’s motives. But you might be fortunate enough to accept them.” The corners of Astra’s lips were judging just slightly, making Alex think that Astra was amusing herself, even though there was a truth to that sentence.

“That sentiment doesn’t apply here.” Alex groaned. “Which you know. You can just tell me, but you like to taunt me.”

Astra didn’t warrant that remark with a comment of her own, but instead smirked just the tiniest bit.

Their conversation was cut short when it was their turn to order coffee. And so they placed their orders and waited for their coffee to be prepared.

“Aren’t you worried that you might cause me to have incredibly high expectations now?” Alex questioned. “I mean, about where we’re going.”

“You are assuming I am not already anticipating your disappointment.”

“If you already know that you’re gonna disappoint me, why try?”

“Because..” Astra moved a bit closer as if she were to tell Alex a secret. But Alex knew it was just some sort of power play. An attempt to intimidate Alex. Or maybe it was something else. Maybe Astra liked the closeness. “If I were to never take a risk whenever there was the threat of disappointment, I would never accomplish anything in my life.”

“Touché.” Alex said. She was impressed at the responses Astra gave her, taking all of her questions, whether they were critical or not, as serious as the other.

The barista called out their names, Astra reaching for both cups immediately, and handing the one with ‘Alex’ on the side to Alex. Their fingers brushed momentarily, and Alex couldn’t help but wonder whether Astra kept touching her ‘accidentally’ on purpose.

“The train is leaving in five minutes.” Astra said as she looked up at the clock tower.

“I’ll follow your lead.” Alex said as she gestured in the direction of the entrance of the station. She wrapped her hands around the paper cup, enjoying the heat of the coffee that warmed up her hands quickly.

Five minutes later, they were in the train. Alex tried to relax into the seat, but couldn’t really find it within her to feel relaxed.

She closed her eyes as she pressed her back in the seat, and felt Astra’s hand on her thigh.

“Tell me about your week.” Astra said softly, her voice comforting enough for Alex to open her eyes.

“It was fine.” Alex answered curtly, then forced herself to focus on the question and actually think of a better, more elaborate answer. “We rolled up this gang we’ve been chasing for a while. I got to shoot someone.”

Astra smiled. “Remind me that I should not antagonize you.” She jested, earning a small smile from Alex.

“I’m sure you could take care of yourself just fine. Nothing to be afraid of.” She looked through the window, trying to figure out where they were going, and what is was that Astra wanted to show her.

Before she could give it more thought, Astra’s fingers started tracing patterns on the fabric of her jeans, distracting her from her own thoughts. Alex’s gaze switched to Astra’s, who seemed to be very determined to hold it as long as possible.

“Tell me more.” She said. It was not actually a demand, but more of an invitation. And Alex decided to take Astra up on that offer. And so she talked about her week. About her work. About Kara and whatever TV series she was watching with her now. About a new leather jacket she was eyeing, and putting money on the side for.

Until Astra told her that they were approaching their destination. Which surprised Alex. She had totally forgotten about the time, which was very unusual for her.

“Your suffering will end soon.” Astra smiled, scrambling up from her seat as the train decreased in speed until it stopped completely, the conductor announcing the station’s name, but Alex couldn’t hear over the noise of the passengers.

“Great. The suspense is killing me.” Alex deadpanned, but there was some truth to it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another (small) update. Within the week. So it is finally revealed where they're going.. and I'm thinking I'll lose about half my readers now xD I hope I'm not disappointing y'all :D Anyway, have fun!

Astra offered her hand to Alex, who took it willfully and let herself be pulled up and led out of the train. The cold overwhelmed her momentarily when she jumped out of the train, chills running down her spine almost visibly. Astra grinned at Alex. Alex realized that it was probably not so much because she actually thought it was amusing that Alex was cold, but because she was thinking about her offer to warm Alex up earlier and a slightly awkward moment had ensued.

And much like earlier, Astra did not let go of Alex’s hand as they walked out of the station, and to wherever they were going. “How far?” Alex asked, trying not to focus too much on her hand. Wrapped in Astra’s hand.

“It is a small walk from here. One click away, at most.” Astra replied.

“So about half a mile. Got it.” Alex nodded. “Not gonna let me in on where we’re going yet?”

“No.” Astra said curtly, squeezing Alex’s hand. “You are very impatient.”

“Yeah, it’s one of my lesser qualities. But I promise my better ones far outweigh them.” Alex joked.

“I have no doubt.” Astra looked amused at Alex, her pace slowing down a bit, as if she forgot how to walk.

“What?” Alex questioned, watching Astra’s face intently. Astra stopped walking now altogether, and tilted her head.

She took her time in answering Alex’s question, apparently sunken in thoughts. “I will inform you when I know the answer to that inquiry.” She eventually said distractedly, but then deciding that they should resume their walk.

Alex just looked at her like she had just seen a man spontaneously catch fire.

“You’re a strange person.” Alex remarked. But she appreciated the strangeness that was Astra. And Astra knew it.

“I prefer the term ‘extraordinary’.”

“Because it sounds like Astraordinary?” Alex frowned, barely able to suppress a smile.

“No.” Astra’s lips curled into a grin. “That had not occurred to me yet.”

Alex snickered, shaking her head.

They walked for a few minutes without saying anything. Alex enjoyed the surroundings. They were walking through a small park, passing by strangers who were going wherever. She probably had as much of an idea about where they were going as to where she was going herself. But she didn’t mind not knowing anymore. Because she knew that she was about to find out.

Though she wondered why Astra refused to just tell her. Surprises often had a way of getting up anticipations that were almost impossible to meet. And Alex had a feeling that this was going to be one of those things. Which did not bode well for Astra, because Alex had a habit of being disappointed in people, and not being able to get past it quickly.

Before she could mull it over any longer, they neared the end of the park, and she saw the contours of a building that she thought to be an observatory. When they got closer, she could see that it was indeed an observatory, and she had no doubt that it was their destination. She tugged at Astra’s arm to gain her attention.

“Is this where we’re going?” Alex asked somewhat brusquely. Astra’s facial expressions conveyed some anxiety, and Alex realized that she was nervous about the entire ordeal. So she smiled the tiniest bit to show Astra that she liked it, if that were indeed where they were going.

“Yes.” Astra let go of Alex’s hand, and started straightening her clothes. She seemed out of her depths then, and more uncomfortable than Alex had seen her that day. Probably ever. “I held back on the details because I thought you might refuse to come with me.”

“Why?”

“You were reluctant to accept my offer spend time with me.” Astra explained as she trained her eyes on Alex’s. She seemed a bit lost again, which tugged at Alex’s heart strings. She didn’t like to see Astra distraught.

“You thought I would’ve forgotten that you told me that you used to take Kara to the observatory with you.” Alex smiled nervously, connecting the dots. “Which is, I’m guessing, this observatory. And you said that this place meant something to you. Because Kara means a lot to you.”

Astra sighed. It was barely visible, but Alex could see how her muscles seemed to unclench at Alex’s observations.

“You remember.” Astra exhaled.

“Yeah.” Alex shrugged. “I remember most of the things you’ve said.”

“I supposed that, if the both of us care about Kara, and she has been one of the best things about both of our lives..” Astra started, thinking carefully of what she was attempting to say. “You and me only have a very small overlap in the time that we have known her. I have known her the first twelve years of her life, and you have known her for the remainder of it.”

Alex flashed an unrestrained smile. “I like that.” She nodded in understanding. She felt a warmth creep through her limbs. Like Astra set her on fire, but in a good way.

Astra nodded too, and this time it was Alex who reached out to Astra’s hand, leading them to the observatory.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one didn't actually really turn out as it was going in my head.. but it'll have to do..

The next hours, they spent walking through the building, sharing memories of their childhoods. Astra told Alex about hers. About how her sister – who was a decade older than her – had been the favorite daughter, and how Astra had been the rebellious one. She told Alex about how Kara had been born when she was thirteen, and how her parents died when she was a few months shy from turning eighteen.

She told her about everything in-between as well. About how her parents never really accepted her, and always wanted to change everything about her and her attitude. How she had dyed her hair blonde in an extra attempt to spite them. How her and Alura had never really gotten along either. But when her daughter had been born, things had slightly improved. Astra had spent a lot of time with Kara back in the day, being more of a cousin to her than an aunt.

Not unlike Alex would have guessed, Kara was much more accepting of Astra than the rest of her family. She actually loved Astra, and seemed to have been the only family member that could spend an entire day around Astra without criticizing her and the life she lived.

Astra told her about all the times that she took Kara to the observatory when she was old enough. How she taught her all about space. How it was one of the things that she felt like truly connected them. One of the things that was theirs.

And Alex told her about Kara after she had joined their family. How things had been tense and weird for Alex initially, but how Kara had turned into the sister that Alex always wanted and needed. She told her about how her father had died and how their bond had grown infinitely tighter after that. That Kara had been the rock she needed to get through it all. Kara knew all about losing a parent. In an instant, Alex realized that Astra knew, too. And that it was just another thing they had in common.

Astra showed her one of the images of space among an entire wall of space images, and told her about the time that Astra had bribed one of the majority stakeholders of the observatory so Kara and her could take a picture of space for Kara’s tenth birthday.

Time flew by so quickly that Alex felt like only an hour had passed, but it turned out to be five in the afternoon when she started wondering why her stomach was complaining so much. They had been so caught up that neither of them had thought to have lunch.

As if Astra knew what Alex was thinking, she said: “Two blocks away from here is a Chinese restaurant.”

“Good. I’m starving.” Alex groaned, earning a smile from Astra.

When they waited for their food, Astra told Alex about the Chinese restaurant that had resided in the same building when Kara had been a kid, and how it had been the restaurant they had gone to every time they had visited the observatory. It had been the place that Kara had discovered her love for potstickers.

Alex told her about the first weeks that Kara had moved into their house, and how she hadn’t really been able to eat anything other than potstickers, and how her father would drive out to the best Chinese restaurant in the city every night to get her a bag full of Chinese food to make her feel more at home.

They talked like that for another two hours, until they finished dinner, and got into a small argument as to who was going to pay the bill. And for the nth time that day, Astra won the argument and got to pay for the both of them, with a slightly grumpy Alex by her side, who managed to double the already very generous tip when Astra wasn’t paying attention.

They left the restaurant, and Alex couldn’t help but feel wistful. But Astra joined her and smiled. “If you are not too exhausted.. I wish to take you somewhere else now.” She said.

Alex felt a rush of relief wash over her.

“No, I’m not tired.” Which wasn’t entirely true. But Alex was curious as to what Astra was up to. And she also didn’t want to leave yet. “Whereto?”

“I will show you. It is only a fifteen minute walk.” Astra replied, then remembering something. “Are you warm enough? On the corner, there is a shop where they sell blankets.”

She didn’t even wait for Alex to answer, but just walked in the direction that she had pointed to, Alex hot on her heels. She hurried into the shop and then, three minutes later, came outside with two fleece blankets. Alex shook her head, then shrugged, and followed Astra, who put the two blankets under her left arm, and grabbed Alex’s hand with her right.

When Alex had regained her senses, she thought of something. “Astra.” Who responded to the sentiment by looking at Alex. “How did you bribe a majority stakeholder?”

“I beg your pardon?” Astra asked in confusion, until her eyes lit up in recognition. “Oh, you are referring to the observatory.”

“Yeah, earlier you said that you bribed a majority stakeholder for Kara’s tenth birthday.. but you must have been twenty-three or something back then. How did you bribe someone that probably has too much money?”

Astra was thrown off for a second, which gave Alex some sense of satisfaction, because it was incredibly hard to faze Astra like she seemed to faze everyone else.

“You are awfully perceptive.” Astra commented. She sighed, looking around her as if she were checking whether people were eavesdropping. She then moved impossibly close, pushing Alex’s hair behind her ear and whispering: “I could warrant this with an answer. But I deem it too inappropriate to kiss and tell.” She leaned back, facing an Alex who was flushed. “I would say ‘draw your conclusions’, but I see you already did.”

Alex’s mouth fell open. Just slightly.

After Astra had let her squirm for a bit, she decided to relieve her from her misery. “I was in a relationship with her daughter for a brief period of time.” She grinned. “I asked her gently.”

Alex shook her head. She realized that the one who had ended up being fazed was Alex herself. She really couldn’t win with Astra. But she hardly felt bad about it, and she doubted that Astra did, seeing as she made it her mission to faze Alex with everything she said and did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, I am aware that I wrote 7.5k leading up to their outing to the observatory, and managed to write less than 1k at the actual observatory now :D But I promise the best part has yet to come.. and it's not over.. not even close :D  
> (I hear Laura singing in the back of my mind.. 'This iiiiis nooooot ooooooover yeeeeeeet' ♪♫ Anyhow..)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, a very long chapter (compared to the rest).. I couldn't find a better moment to stop it, so here you have it :D I hope y'all like it!

They resumed their walk. Alex still felt like her face was burning up. So was the rest of her body for that matter. Which was quite strange as it really wasn’t that warm outside, and her jacket hardly offered her any warmth either. So she blamed Astra for it instead.

A few minutes later, they were walking through the park again, but over a different path than they had arrived. For a brief moment, Alex wondered whether this was going to be how she was going to die. Being lured into the woods and killed, and left for dead. Though she wondered whether Astra would be more creative with her victims.

She willed away the slightly involuntary thoughts, thinking that Astra would prefer her alive. Why would someone try their best to give another person a good time if they were killing them later anyway? Well, Alex could answer that question as well. In her line of work she had seen the weirdest cases cross her desk.

Another few minutes later, Alex noticed that they were diverting from the actual path, and instead opting for a with leaves covered ground. Alex could tell that her breathing was becoming more superficial, and she had to force herself to draw slow, even breaths.

“Where are we going?” Alex questioned again. She carefully took pride in herself for not sounding like she was shitting her pants. But apparently Astra noticed that she wasn’t comfortable at all, because she turned around, causing Alex to crash into her. Again.

She took a moment to analyze Alex and her posture. Eventually her right hand reached out to Alex’s left shoulder. “I am not going to murder you.” Astra said, tilting her head, and her hand cupping Alex’s face. “There is a lake not far from here. It is a beautiful sight, especially at this hour of the day. Kara and I used to go here all the time when she was little.”

Alex let out a deeper breath then, feeling a bit more at ease. Astra’s thumb moved across her cheek for a second, and then she let go of Alex, and proceeded to wade her way through the woods. And indeed, five minutes later they were approaching a little clearing, and when they came closer, Alex saw a lake. The sun was setting, and so the yellow-orange light that was reflecting off of the water created the beautiful sight that Astra had promised.

“It’s gorgeous.” Alex said in awe. Astra sat down in the grass near the water and patted down on the ground next to her, inviting Alex to sit down next to her. Which Alex did. And as soon as her butt had touched the ground, Astra wrapped one of the blankets around her, and then wrapped the other around herself.

Alex kept staring at the sun that was slowly sinking into the lake, totally mesmerized by the combination of the silence and the gorgeous sight. She felt at peace, right then. Something she experienced ever so rarely. Her hand wandered down, finding Astra’s and interlaced her fingers with hers as she covered Astra’s hand.

“Thanks for today.” Alex said softly, as if talking too loudly would ruin all of it. “Thanks for convincing me that it was a good idea to spend the day with you.”

“I am overjoyed that I did.” Astra said, and Alex could hear the smile on her face. She didn’t have to look at her to know.

The seconds were ticking away like time didn’t really exist in that moment, and faded into minutes, until it was too dark to see each other all too clearly. It was then that Astra broke the silence. “This place is even more important to me than the observatory.” She breathed. Alex could hear that she was nervous, which was very unlike anything that Alex had seen from Astra. Well, she had seen her nervous once or twice, but not like this. There was an emotional undertone in her voice that she hadn’t heard that day. Or ever.

“Why?” Alex questioned when it seemed like Astra wasn’t going to explain right away. She turned towards Astra, seeing the contours of her face in the dark, but wasn’t able to make out any facial expressions. And she wondered whether that had been Astra’s intention when she had taken Alex there.

“This is a place full of pivotal moments to me.” Astra replied. “I was here with Kara when my parents died. I was also here with Kara when Kara’s parents – my sister – died.”

“I’m sorry.” Alex breathed as her fingers curled around Astra’s hand a tad tighter.

“And whereas those are two moments that changed my life negatively, in a sense, there is also a moment that has ensured my life.” Astra proceeded as she sighed. “The duality of things.” She scoffed. “One day before I would be sent out for my third tour in the army, I was here with Kara. She was very distraught, and I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she was scared that I was going to die over there, and that she had been on my other two tours as well. That she was always scared of losing me because of my job. She was attempting to conceal the extent of her concerns, but I could see the fear in her eyes. How afraid she was of losing me. It broke my heart.”

She paused for a moment, sorting out her own thoughts before she resumed.

“But of course I went. And over there.. My squad and I were on a mission one day, two weeks before my time was up. Our vehicle hit an IED, and killed half my squad instantly. Two others survived as well. One of them died quickly thereafter, bleeding out faster than I could treat his wounds. The other..” Astra’s voice was growing more distraught, and Alex could tell that the memory of it was still painful.

“You don’t have to tell me.” Alex offered, but Astra shook her head.

“She was the only other woman in our division, but I knew from the start that we would be friends. We had an instantaneous connection.” Astra sounded wistful. “Fraternization is frowned upon in the army, so we were not really allowed to pursue anything, but I fell in love with her regardless. And she loved me back. After the IED had killed most of my squad, she and I were the only ones left.” Astra exhaled once, and Alex could already guess how the story would end.

“I attempted to bring the both of us to safety, but she had lost her mobility, and shortly after that consciousness as well, and it was at least ten clicks from our camp. None of our communication methods worked anymore, and neither did the vehicle. Hence, I hoisted her on a makeshift gurney, created from some scraps and cloths, and managed to drag her for about a mile, until she regained consciousness.” Astra shifted, and drew back her hand to wrap the blanket around her a bit tighter.

“She was weaker than I dared to admit. She felt cold and had lost a lot of blood. She knew that, too. So she begged me to leave her and bring myself back to safety. I told her that I would do anything within my capacity to bring back the both of us. But before I could convince her, she started to slip away. And eventually she died in my arms.” She pulled the blanket even tighter around herself, as if she were trying to protect herself from the memory. From the pain. And Alex wanted nothing more than to take her in her arms and make it go away. But she wasn’t certain that Astra would let her.

“I was devastated, and every fiber of my being screamed at me, wanted me to take her with me, or stay there with her if I could not. But I could not ignore the image of Kara’s terrified eyes in my mind. So I hid her somewhere I knew that no one would find her. No creatures of any kind. And I moved on. Roughly hundred meters away from the camp I collapsed, and I regained consciousness three days later. I had sustained grave internal injuries during the explosion, and my heart had stopped twice during the surgery that they performed to stem the bleedings.”

Alex let out a breath, then finally put her hand on Astra’s shoulder, whose muscles tensed up at first, but relaxed against her hand almost immediately.

“I spent the remainder of my time over there recovering from the injuries and the surgery. Then they sent me back home, gave me a medal, and offered me a promotion.” Astra sounded bitter, then. And Alex understood why. “I retaliated by resigning, much to Kara’s relief. I finished the last semester in college, went to prison for two weeks, and six months after I had resigned, my sister died. I was suffering from symptoms consistent with PTSD, already, and carrying around more grief than I could manage, but that was the final straw. On top of the loss of Kara’s mother, I also struggled with the responsibility of taking on Kara’s care. But I always knew that Kara needed more than I could offer. Needed some form of stability that I could have never mustered in that moment in my life.” Astra sighed. “I regret that I could not be there for her, but I do not regret leaving. I would have ruined her life if I had stayed. I felt terribly guilty for surviving. Both in war and back home. Her life is much better now than that it would have been if I had taken her in my care.”

Alex put her arm around Astra then, pulling her closer. She was uncertain whether it was something Astra wanted, but Astra didn’t move away from her, or showed any other signs of discomfort.

 “Hence, I left her, and went to Europe.” She finished. “I traveled to another continent, where I knew she could not follow me, virtually causing Kara to have lost everyone close to her.”

In that moment, Alex realized that she didn’t hold it against Astra that she had left. That she understood completely why and how, and that she was only twenty-five years old when she had lost everything, too. Kara had been much younger, and Alex had felt some resentment at Astra for abandoning her without giving her any choice, but she knew that Astra had done it to protect her from further hurting. Alex had thought it to be cowardice at first, but realized that maybe leaving had actually been braver than staying, because it had caused Astra to lose Kara as well.

Alex was at a loss for words, and so the both of them stayed quiet for a while.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally another update. Anyway, I've been very nervous about posting this one, because this is basically what I've been writing towards for 20k words now (and like.. almost one year now?) -- soooo, it'd be nice if you don't be mad or something :D or whatever.. anyway, I hope you'll enjoy it!
> 
> (And this is probably also the moment where I should say that I have barely any unedited text left.. and what I have is pretty crappy so I might rewrite parts.. but I don't really have much free time until Christmas (my studies require me to study around 48 hours a week at the moment, and I also have other responsibilities) so I don't know when that'll be, if ever.. (I'm having a very bad 'writer's' block right now.. I know what I want to write LATER but not what comes a little later after this.. so anyway..) - I'm rambling. If this is the last one I'll be posting.. thanks for reading! :))

After what seemed like an eternity, Alex whispered: “Thanks for telling me. And I’m sorry that all of that happened to you.”

“Thank you.” Astra said, turning to Alex. “I wanted to share this with you because I figured you would understand. And it might ease your own concerns regarding.. this. If you knew that I did not make the decision to leave lightly. That it was a last resort rather than an attempt to flee.”

Alex exhaled. “I understand, Astra.” She smiled weakly. She felt more like crying than smiling, but Astra seemed to be calming down, and it calmed her down as well. There was a heavy feeling sitting in her chest that kept her from breathing deeply enough.

“In my time spent in Europe, I have dealt with my PTSD, and with all of my losses. I have learned how to talk about it..”

“Yet it still hurts when you do.” Alex finished the sentiment, earning a nod from Astra, who smiled in an unconvincing way at Alex.

None of them said anything then for a while. Alex allowed Astra to gather herself together. And she thought that it might have been easier to just leave. But she didn’t want to. She wanted to stay, even if it were probably far after midnight. She felt like there was something special about being there with Astra, seeing her so vulnerable.

But she kept wondering why Astra had this desire to share things with her. Why she went out of her way to appease Alex. Why she entrusted her with things for which Alex had done nothing to have earned them.

“I am surprised.” Astra said, effectively breaking the silence, and causing Alex to look at her with a frown, though she doubted that Astra could see it.

“About what?”

“Your being here, still. It is cold, and it is late.” Astra commented. Alex could vaguely see that she was tilting her head. “I told you this morning that you could leave at any moment, if you wished.”

“Then the only conclusion you could draw is that it’s not what I wish to do.” Alex bit her lip, and tried to make out Astra’s facial expressions, though it seemed even more impossible now that she simply couldn’t see her.

“What do you wish for?” Astra questioned then, curiosity seeping through her words.

“To know what your angle is. What was this day about?” Alex asked. “Because.. I see how you look at me.. how you flirt with me.. And I can’t help but think that this is an elaborate scheme to..” Alex paused, sighing. “To get in my pants.” She felt her face turn red at the last words. She was embarrassed to even say it out loud, but she was struggling with it ever since she had met Astra.

“No.” Astra shook her head. “That is not my endgame. I can assure you.”

“Because.. if it is, I’m gonna have to be.. honest with you and tell you that.. I’m not really like that.” Alex bit her lip even harder then, and tasted the metallic flavor of blood. “I’ve never been that way.. I was still a teenager when I started having suspicions.. everyone around me, and later also Kara, started acting like it was the greatest thing.. would do whatever to get laid. I never understood that. Never really got why they’d do such weird things for something that was so mediocre. I remember thinking that it was this insane joke.. this exaggeration that just didn’t make sense to me somehow.. like I just wasn’t in on that joke or something. But then I started to realize, as I grew older, that it really was how most people felt.. how they seemed to look at each other and know.. that they felt that kind of attraction.. had that kind of urge..” Alex paused, and forced herself to breathe properly.

“I saw it in Kara, too. Saw how she went through heartbreak after heartbreak for something that I considered to be.. less than worth it. I mean, I’ve been in relationships.. I’ve had sex, and maybe sometimes even sorta enjoyed it too, but it’s just not.. as good to me as other things, I guess. So.. I don’t know, I guess I wanted you to know, because.. I’ve been making innuendos, and you have.. and I..” Alex’s voice broke.

“You did not want to lead me on.” Astra finished. “Alex.” She cupped Alex’s face, and got closer to her, so she could look her in the eyes. “I mean it when I say that I want whatever kinship we can forge. I cannot pretend to understand that I know what it is like to be like you and not experience sexual attraction, but I do know that the majority of the relationships I have had in my life that meant the most to me were not sexual. In any case, I do want to confirm your suspicions regarding the flirtations. I am attracted to you, but I would never pursue anything without your consent. And I would be content with any level of intimacy you are willing to share with me. So if that is none, then I would comply with your wishes.”

She tucked away a few strands of hair, her eyes still piercing into Alex’s. Alex, who felt like crying, just kept staring back at her without response. “You do not have to be afraid to be who you are, Alex.” Astra smiled. “Not with me. The reason that I am going out of my way to entertain you is simply because I feel that we have a connection. In the sense that we are enough alike to have common ground, but enough unlike one another that I would see the things in you that I do not appreciate about myself. In the sense that I feel as though we have known one another for years.”

“Yeah.” Alex nodded, looking up at the sky and blinking away a few tears. “That’s how I feel, too.”

“I promise I will not cross any boundaries that you do not want me to cross.” Astra vowed, her thumb stroking across her cheek to wipe away one of the tears that had escaped. “And I want to thank you for entrusting me with this.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got to some writing and editing.. so here's the next chapter. :) I hope y'all enjoy ^^

Alex exhaled. Then inhaled. Deeply. She closed her eyes for a moment, allowing herself to realize what just had transpired. She covered her face and groaned. She let it dawn on her that Astra was okay with everything. That she was wonderful about it, actually. Alex shook her head, and sighed again.

“Are you all right?” Astra asked, tilting her head.

“Yeah.. No..” Alex muttered. “Not sure how I’m feeling. I just told you something that I’ve ever only told one person before and I eh.. it feels a bit unreal. Everything feels a bit unreal, I guess. I’ve only known you for three days. Fewer even because the last two times I saw you it was only for a few hours. You confuse me, Astra. More than anything. But you also make me feel comfortable somehow.. and I am just.. so drawn to you somehow. And I guess I’m just tired but.. it’s freaking me out. Because to me, having that kind of connection usually means that I end up getting hurt..”

“I understand.” Astra said gently. “I cannot promise that I will not hurt you. I do not think any person can make such promises. As you know, I have experienced my share of hurt and grief in the past, but the way I am always attempting to see it is that it only hurts if it meant something. And it is usually better to have loved and lost than to never have taken that leap at all.”

Alex’s face contorted into a grimace. “Yeah.. I just have to wrap my head around it, is all.” She sighed. She let herself fall backwards into the grass, and laid there, staring upwards at the stars for a moment. She focused on all of the dots, flickering brightly, some stronger than others. She closed her eyes, and let the sounds around her work on her. The lake. The whistling of the trees. Astra’s breathing. She covered her face again with her hands, pressing the palms of her hand against her cheeks as she closed her eyes.

She felt and heard Astra mirror her actions, the grass rustling as she also laid down in the grass. But Astra didn’t say a word. She respected Alex’s wish to just take her time, and Alex was grateful for that.

The fact was that Astra had basically offered herself up on a silver platter, and given her the necessary cutlery to do anything with it. But she had no idea what it was exactly what she wanted. Why the woman kept confusing her. She took it as a sign that there was still something that was holding her back. Though she couldn’t really put a finger on what it was. They didn’t even have to be anything other than friends. Astra was also clear about that. She would take whatever Alex would have to offer to her.

Any objection that she might have had before that day had gone out of the window. And Alex knew that Astra was serious about all of it, and not just playing with Alex’s feelings. And the thought of that made her swell up with happiness. She allowed herself to revel in the warmth that spread through her body, her heart thumping excitedly in her chest. But she also felt as though there was some kind of imbalance between the two of them. An imbalance she couldn’t quite place, but she knew hadn’t been there before she had told Astra about her lack of sexual attraction.

It was like Astra had put the weight of their relationship on Alex’s shoulders, even if she weren’t necessarily aware of this fact or intending to do so. But Alex felt like the course of their relationship would be in her hands, and she didn’t like that prospection. She sort of dreaded that she had changed the dynamics. Because even if Astra promised her that Alex didn’t have to be afraid of who she was, she knew that she was inherently biased. And would behave differently around Alex now she knew that she was on the ace spectrum.

Which could be a blessing, but in that moment, Alex wasn’t sure. What if she had chased Astra away? Or what if she hadn’t, but instead Astra was just keeping up appearances because she didn’t want to be a dick? What if she was okay with it now but figured out that she wasn’t, later on. Like all of Alex’s ex-somethings had done. Not that Astra was anything like any of them. And it was not that she had told any of them who she was.

So eventually Alex decided that the only way to get the elephant out of the room was to simply address it. She rolled onto her side, facing Astra’s, who responded by tilting her head in Alex’s direction. They were close enough so Alex could see Astra’s eyes. And she felt terribly nervous then.

Astra’s hand reached for Alex’s hair, and pushed away the few strands that were covering her eyes. She let her hand rest on the side of Alex’s face, right under her ear, and looked intently at Alex.

“I don’t want things to change between us just because of what I just told you.” Alex rambled, her breathing shallow and panicky. She wasn’t good at being vulnerable with other people. Especially if those people weren’t Kara.

Astra stayed quiet for a while, her eyes flicking from Alex’s left eye to the other. She blinked a few times as if she were considering something. “I understand.” She finally said as she shifted closer, rolling on her side so she was facing Alex. “Of course, things change, Alex. However, that does not mean that they cannot change into things you cherish even more than the things that they were before.” She smiled lightly.

Alex wondered whether Astra really understood what she had meant, though. Whether her message had come across in the way she wanted. Because it was cryptic enough to be interpreted in numeral ways. And apparently Astra knew that she was worrying, and what she was worrying about.

“My knowledge about who you are will only result in my understanding of who you are, Alex.” She spoke, carefully choosing her words. “It does not change how I feel about you. Maybe to some extent it does, because you have entrusted me with something that is so personal to you, but.. I do not feel anything other than affection and admiration. I cannot promise that I will not treat you differently, now, but the fundamentals of our relationship that we have built upon will remain the same.”

Astra moved even closer, then, her face only an inch away. “I meant it when I said that I wish to be the cause of your pleasure, Alex. I suspect knowing this would only enable me.”


End file.
